"Mismatched Sox – The Extra Sox in the Basement" – Page 4

Mismatched Sox: An Open Letter to the Fellas at the CBA Table

A note for those of you reading: Mismatched Sox is a weekly blog hastily thrown together by Sox in the Basement Co-Host Ed Siebert and is written to present you with White Sox and baseball thoughts in a manner that, frankly, thinks it is funny in the way that your aunt misuses memes. While there will be facts here that will be factual, the opinions and other nonsense are neither reflective of anyone at SoxInTheBasement.com nor believed or intended to cause any harm, but consult a physician and ask if this blog is right for you.

The letter may not reach the intended hands. Photo (C) Ed Siebert. Yeah, that’s right. *I* have a camera.

Grinding to a halt does not adequately describe the CBA negotiations, because something has to have ever gotten moving to grind to a halt. For as frustrated as the players are portraying themselves, there’s little comparison to the frustration felt by fans. And the kicker there is that fans want to spend their time and money on these guys who are using the media (both social and, ummm, anti-social?) to blame the other for not sharing enough of the fans’ money. So, in lieu of being able to mediate, here’s an open letter to both sides that will hopefully heal the wounds of distrust and bring forth the type of togetherness that usually requires stitches and wearing a plastic bag in the shower.

February 10, 2022

Sox on 35th/Sox in the Basement C/O Mismatched Sox Pueblo, CO 81009

MLB and MLBPA C/O Scott Boras, 18 Corporate Plaza Dr, Newport Beach, CA 92660

Dear Gentlemen and Assorted Others:

This letter is intended to help. Help, and heal. Help, heal and hold hope. Help, heal, hold hope and hell, maybe even hope to help heal your holdings.

No, actually, that’s not true. There’s no helping you people, is there? There’s no way you can help yourselves let alone have others hope to help heal…

Sorry, starting over. This letter is going to let you know exactly how fans feel about you about what is happening to Major League Baseball. There are words that adequately describe the turmoil fans feel, but basically, those words would make George Carlin blush, were he alive to do so.

As fans, we are aware that you don’t think we are capable of understanding the plight of either side. That’s a very narrow view and rather arrogant, don’t you think? Do you really think fans can’t appreciate that the players want to be fairly compensated for their efforts? Talk to anyone working for a living and they’ll understand that. Do you really think fans can’t understand that the owners aren’t in the business of losing money? Sure, it is hard to fathom that teams aren’t profitable, but on a basic level, Americans who have lived in a free market understand that businesses need to make enough money to stay afloat.

What fans kinda can’t always wrap their heads around is the difference between making a million here or 10 million there. Beyond, of course, a basic understanding of numbers and some being bigger than others. But the difference between rich and richer is lost on most people. The average fan is probably in that lovely gray water pool of stagnant wages that haven’t risen much at all since the 1970s, and are on average underpaid compared to the cost of living. So yes, as a result, most fans are largely unaware of the mo’ problems that your mo’ money causes you to see. But that, shockingly, isn’t the source of anger.

In fact, here is a shortlist of things that the average fan would be angrier about than the fact that baseball players and owners are comparatively rich:

1) gas prices
2) the ongoing national chicken wing shortage
3) snow falling off a roof or branch and trickling down the back of their shirt
4) politics
5) when shows have 2-part seasons
6) that snow making it into their pants
7) Linda’s coffee (seriously Linda, let Bill do it)
8) their kids’ attitude
9) the Doordash/Uber/Grubhub driver giving them the wrong order
10) that same said snow coming to life and overtaking their body for evil purposes, but not in a fun way.

Nope, fans don’t care about the money. They have evil snow underwear issues to deal with, hence the need for the diversion that baseball provides. It is a few hours a day where fans can forget that they are freezing the guards and cops at the bank and can’t stop the mystical chilly evil within from using their hands against their will and besmirching their very name and reputation, and instead worry about whether Dylan Cease can go 6 today because the bullpen needs a blow after yesterday.

See, that’s where you start to annoy fans. You forget what you are, which is entertainment and diversion from everyday problems that frankly, you players and owners lack. I mean, we all have the same issues with relationships, kids, eye boogers, evil snow thongs, etc., but there are stresses in life that some have that others don’t. Baseball is a great leveler of society, where people with bad problems and people who just are being a tad dramatic about their problems can shed the stress the same way. Look, players, owners, you are just purveyors of entertainment. And being truthful, you’re dropping rapidly in the line of things that people turn to these days for entertainment.

Owners in particular pay attention, because you were alive and probably an adult in 1994 when the last stoppage cost a season and should know better. Players, while most of you were either toddlers or still just a future apathetic shrug by your mom in 1994, pay attention anyway because this involves you. In 1994, there were four major TV networks, 139 cable TV networks (most of which were meh), movies, the NFL, the NBA, the NHL, video games, books, and periodicals. Frankly, not much competition for our attention. The strike sent baseball way down the list and fans didn’t come back right away. To get back towards the top of that heap, you had to enter a period in the game that is now disdained by fans and writers, the “Steroid Era”. And don’t think some of us haven’t noticed that steroid testing is ending. Speaking on behalf of White Sox fans, if steroids come back and suddenly Gavin Sheets, Adam Engel, and Dallas Keuchel are the new McGwire, Sosa, and Clemens…we’ll turn a blind eye and defend them publicly while giving Yankee fans crap about Luke Voit suddenly being healthy all the time. But we’ll know the truth, and in 30 years we’ll be huffy about it, but mostly we’ll know what you did.

But that’s not the point. The point is that it took extreme head growth and other measures to get the game back in the fans’ good graces in 1995, and frankly, we were bored in the ’90s. Today, you have TV, Cable, Streaming Services (139 of them?) the internet, Wordle, movies, video games on phones that also have the internet and streaming services, including streaming cable, movies, and regular TV, more books and blogs and news and it goes on. Frankly, baseball, you’re behind the NFL by a mile and behind a number of other entertainment options. Heck, you’re probably behind pro wrestling, which boomed in the late ’90s. Baseball, this is serious. Really. You’re in real danger of being replaced in popularity by Jason Bateman shows. In 1994, Jason Bateman couldn’t get a show as an extra. Now he’s your sworn enemy!

But fans aren’t mad that you’re maybe definitely losing the battle for the attention of the masses. Baseball fans are fans because of what the game is, not whether it is trendy. And if we’re honest, the masses right now lack taste in entertainment. They make celebrities out of people who succeed at being attractive while doing something largely unoriginal for 15 seconds on the internet, but doing that a lot. Still, that’s a rabbit hole that can consume the same hours that a baseball game consumes and at a lot less cost.

So owners and players, your lack of perspective is what’s making your fan base mad. There was no real urgency to get a deal done, there’s a lockout and brinkmanship and public whining, but no real perspective. You think that this battle is important, but it isn’t. The game, the league, the shared history and experience, that’s important. Fans want you. Fans want you bad. But we don’t need you. So we want you, but only if you want us. We want you, to want us. To quote Cheap Trick further, we are shinin’ up our old brown shoes, puttin’ on a brand new shirt, and gettin’ home early from work…if you say, that you love us. And after decades of listening to that song the question arises why this person is getting all dressed up to go home. That’s a digression though.

Back to the point, and to quote the band Extreme and their magnum opus “More Than Words”:

More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say
If I took those words away?
Then you couldn’t make things new
Just by saying “I love you”

La-di-da, da-di-da di-dai-dai-da, indeed. See, players, when you tweet that you want to be there for us and say that if the owners would only make an offer that you’d play, it’s a touch hollow. Because you didn’t just take a deal and get back on the field; you countered and had real divides on the issues. And owners, y’all better not pretend that you’re doing this for the fans because we aren’t being served by sitting around waiting. You haven’t done much to even try and resolve this. Fans don’t want to watch you protect your bottom line, fans want to have the chance to contribute to it. All we ask is for an interesting team, cold drinks on hot days, hot drinks on cold days, cold drinks on cold days because some of them have a warming effect, reasonably priced unhealthy food, and seats that can fit a huskier build. No one asked you to give Max Scherzer or Trevor Bauer enough money per year to purchase Lichtenstein. You set those expectations years ago and you need to accept the consequences. Primarily, the consequence is that the team is a very expensive hobby, and maybe your income is better off coming from whatever you did to be able to afford a baseball team in the first place. That’s maybe unfair, but blaming the majority of players for wanting a piece of what you’ve handed out to a select few of their peers is human nature. That’s why you bring enough gum for everybody, regardless of their spin rate or whether they kinda creep you out.

Why are fans mad? Because we are left here realizing that for as much heart and emotion as fans put into the game, it isn’t returned to us in equal measure. Fans are kids watching mom and dad fight, and knowing that it is more important to each of them that the kids publicly side with them instead of making sure that the fans understand that this isn’t their fault and we’ll get ice cream and t-shirt giveaways after this.

That’s admittedly a bleak note to end the letter on, and this was intended to help heal the hellish holdup (hey! there it is!). So, here are some words of encouragement, and most of them are even mostly sincere:

You are all, owners and players, intelligent, attractive, charming, and incredibly talented people who are at the pinnacle of humanity. You are the brightest, shiniest beacon of hope for those who can only aspire to your heights. Your civility and willingness to show us that people can overcome great adversity to achieve common greatness that lifts the world, nay the universe itself, the way the tide raises all boats great and small. Knowing this, knowing thyselves to be superior, quit being a bunch of whiny self-important buttheads and get some perspective; none of us care about your petty little squabbles, we just want to give you our money so for at least a little while we can forget the giant suckhole that is life in 2022. And if Jason Bateman can do that for us, you can too.

Yours in crushing mediocrity,

But One Fan Amongst Many

Ed Siebert

cc Jason Bateman

Featured Photo: @whitesox / Twitter

Mismatched Sox: White Sox, The Musical!

A note for those of you reading: Mismatched Sox is a weekly blog hastily thrown together by Sox in the Basement Co-Host Ed Siebert and is written to present you with White Sox and baseball thoughts in a manner that, frankly, thinks it is funny the way that sequels think they can improve on the original. While there will be facts here that will be factual, the opinions and other nonsense are neither reflective of anyone at SoxInTheBasement.com nor believed or intended to cause any harm, but consult a physician and ask if this blog is right for you.

Not sure what “Six the Musical” is about but this poster is copyright that production.

Let’s face it, as baseball fans, this is a boring, irritating time. The lockout turned into brinksmanship which has turned into “oh crap this is harder than we thought,” and now spring Spring Training is a certainty to be delayed. For fun, try and remember the names of the replacement players from 1995. Dennis “Oil Can” Boyd comes to mind and then the mind goes blank. Oddly, there’s really no record of the Scab Sox, uhhh, White Scabs? Ew. No record of the replacements that nearly played on the Southside.

So without further ado, because there is precious little ado in the world of baseball right now, to try and kill the doldrums Mismatched Sox is proud to present an all-original musical that isn’t actually all original or even really stage-ready, as there is some question about who will play Tony LaRussa given Meatloaf’s unfortunate demise.

Also, for purposes of not giving it all away, here’s a synopsis: The White Sox are a Chicago-based baseball team that plays in the American League, one of two “Major Leagues” that make up Major League Baseball. Throughout their season, hi-jinks and tomfoolery interrupt the heart and emotion of a bunch of athletes competing for money and fame.

Ok, the plot needs work. But the songs! The songs…are mostly just rewriting the lyrics to the song from Disney ear-worm machine “Encanto”. Here are snippets:

“The Formerly Madrigal” – Danny Mendick feat. Yermin Mercedes (as Mencedes)

Hats
Bats
Tats?
Let’s go

This is our team
We’ve got every position
So full of talent
A rebuild of its own design
This is the White Sox
A perfect constellation
So many stars and everybody gets to shine

Whoa
But let’s be clear, Hahn runs this show, whoa
He led us here so many years ago, whoa
And every year our series chances grow
There’s just no second baseman as you know, so

Well shoot it was formerly Madrigal
The fact it was formerly Madrigal (pre-Kimbrel days)
Where all the swings were fantastical and magical
I’m one of those missing Madrigal…

“Dos Bateador Designados” – Sheets and Vaughn (translated) [poorly]

Two Bateador Designados
In the OF and yearning
Spend every evening
And morning learning
To catch the ball
Their hunger burning
To get into a lineup
That turns, and never stops turning
Together in this lineup
That turns, and never stops turning

“Cuban Pipeline, Mi Encanto” – Rick Hahn (also translated) [also poorly]

A night of celebration, everybody signs and has fun

A night of celebration, everybody signs and has a good run

Keep on signing, happy on the Southside

And revealing prospects at every corner

Encanto, Encanto

Cuban Pipeline, I love you so much

I keep on falling for your charm

Cuban Pipeline, I love you so much

I hope your charm will keep on producing

“What Else Can I Do?” – Rick Hahn

I grow rows and rows of relievers
First Basemen, by the mile
I make perfect, practiced outfielders
So much hides my infielder denial

What could I do if I just grew what I was needin’ in the moment?
(Do you know where you’re going? Whoa)
What could I do if I just knew it didn’t need to be a DH?
It just needed to be? Someone at 2B?

A hurricane of back end starters
Corner guys (big), 8 of the starting 9 (this is fine)
Uncertainty fills the air as I climb
And I push through
What else can I do?

“Surface Pressure” – Luis Robert

I’m the amazing one, I’m not nervous
I’m as tough as the crust of the Earth is
I hit over mountains, through churches
And I glow ’cause I know what my worth is

I don’t ask how hard the work is
Got a rough indestructible surface
Diamonds and platinum, I find ’em, I wear ’em
The next Mike Trout I’m branded, my breakout’s demanded
But

Under the surface
I feel berserk as Eloy Jimenez trying to make a catch like a circus
Under the surface
Was Tony ever like “Yo, I gotta DH Surplus”?
Under the surface
I’m pretty sure I’m worthless if my hip is out of service

A flaw or a crack
The straw in the stack
That breaks the camel’s back
What breaks the camel’s back it’s

Pressure like a drip, drip, drip that’ll never stop, whoa
Pressure that’ll tip, tip, tip ’till you just go pop, whoa
Gotta be a hitter, and field all over

And of course the breakout hit of the rebuild –

“We Don’t Talk About Nando”

We don’t talk about Nando, no, no, no!
We don’t talk about Nando… but

It was pre-rebuild
It was a different day
We were losing games, and there wasn’t a starter nearby
No starters in the minors oh my

Nando gets sent to the Padres he went-
Thunder!!
You telling this story, or am I?
I’m sorry, Rick Hahn, go on

Nando brings back Big Game James
What did he give us?
His failure, it hurts my brain
Shields was a big bust
Nando is a hurricane
What an awful trade… but anyway

We don’t talk about Nando, no, no, no!
We don’t talk about Nando!

Anyway, that’s the general idea. Steal from Disney and Lin-Manuel Miranda – Yoan Moncada can play himself and write his own solo. Obviously, the show ends on “Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye” by Steam, but only the chorus as sung in the key of drunk.

The CBA really needs to get signed. Now if you’ll excuse the hasty exit but there are some lawyers in mouse ears that would like a word…

Featured Photo: Joe Ruffalo (@jruff96) / Twitter

Mismatched Sox: Not-So-Hot Takes and Random Thoughts

A note for those of you reading: Mismatched Sox is a weekly blog hastily thrown together by Sox in the Basement Co-Host Ed Siebert and is written to present you with White Sox and baseball thoughts in a manner that, frankly, thinks it is funny the way that your buddy’s improv group thinks they can compete with Second City. While there will be facts here that will be factual, the opinions and other nonsense are neither reflective of anyone at SoxInTheBasement.com nor believed or intended to cause any harm, but consult a physician and ask if this blog is right for you.

Yeah…no. These are not hot. Or Hott. Or Even takes. Hott is a registered trademark but trust me, don’t Google it.

It is freezing out. The snow piled up again. The voices have return- uhhh… never mind about that. Even though there may be some hot CBA action coming up (as the players might be in the process of collapsing like Tupperware in a tall cabinet), leading to enough hot stove flurries that there could be an actual pyrogenetic tornado in the league office. But, there’s also little else in the baseball world, and so why not just let the mind wander to random thoughts and flickers of whisps of ideas?

1. With the most recent international signings, I can’t believe that Jerry Reinsdorf was in favor of the international draft. Thankfully that’s a non-starter for the players too. One can only picture sitting there pantomiming “NO” gestures at Tony Clark when that part was brought up.

2. How big a PR nightmare would it be for stadiums to have “Vaccine Card” sections and “No Vaccine Card” sections? Not advocating one way or t’other but it would allow everyone in the stands regardless of their stance. It would be a little like the old “Smoking” and “Non-Smoking” sections and would have the same result of forgetting that air can’t read.

3. Clamoring for the Sox to upgrade second base and right field without giving the remaining prospects a chance does have the air of Veruca Salt’s “I Want It Now” from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory playing in the background. But then again, Sox fans aren’t asking for a literal goose that lays golden eggs, they just aren’t sure they want to watch Gavin Sheets and Andrew Vaughn have misadventures in RF nor can they accept Leury Garcia as anything more than a modern Pablo Ozuna.

4. There are at least a few players on every team that are spending the lockout the way a surly teenager spends time when their parents are away…making big plans to do stuff but just sitting on the couch eating and thinking about the plans until time runs out.

5. On the flip side, there will be breakout players this year that have to kind of, sort of admit that they are doing so well because their team was not telling them how to train this offseason and they did it their own way. But they can’t just come out and say that unless they’re traded at the deadline, or hire Scott Boras as an agent.

6. Speaking of Scott Boras and his existence as the bane of White Sox fandom: the fact that Dylan Cease hired him isn’t a cause for panic. Cease, barring any major upheaval in the new CBA, is around through 2025 before hitting the market. Boras is 70 years old this year. No ill will intended, nor any math intended, just sayin’.

7. If Jake Burger makes the team, shouldn’t Jake Lamb be re-signed just to keep the “Guys named Jake with Meat Last Names” theme going? In a quick search of baseballreference.com, there are no other Jakes with Meat Names in the game (Tornado Jake Weimer was one letter off), and yet there are two available, here, now. What times we live in. You could expand it to Jakes with Food Names and add Royals pitcher Jake Newberry…but then would all this just be wrapped up in the brief 1918 A’s career of Jake Munch?

8. Anyone thinking that there’s at least a small chance that Yermin Mercedes shows up to Spring Training and goes on a tear, totally bags the DH role and carries the team early on only to have him lose confidence after Tony says the City Connect jersey makes Yermin look a little chunky?

9. The weather is slightly too cold to fully recreate the game day experience, but not by much if the 500 level is the usual haunt. The easy part is grilling some hot dogs and onions, grabbing a beverage, and pumping through some game noise. The hard part is finding a 50-something Royals fan to sit behind you and inexplicably brag about Whit Merrifield being the best pure hitter in Royals history as though George Brett never existed nor did the Royals before 2015.

10. Andrew Vaughn’s official photo looks like something very wrong was going on behind the camera but like the pro he is, he didn’t fully react.

11. For all the talk about the salary floor or other measures to make sure that teams sign veteran players, how many players are secretly hoping to be the first player to cover a team’s entire salary floor?

12. Also, if a player falls on the salary floor, does a team only have five seconds to pick them up?

13. In trying to get to the promised land, there is something to be said about giving more prospects and youngsters a chance to take the next step versus a veteran who is more likely to decline than maintain or improve, but the learning pains of the former can be more detrimental than the comfortable predictability of someone who’s been through it. That applies to dating after 30 and completing an MLB rebuild.

14. Maybe the CBA needs to include an MLB free agency app where GMs can just swipe on pictures of players they want and the players can respond with their approval. Of course, then you’ll get some poor front office sap thinking that he has the best deal for some prime free agent before finding out that the profile was a fake or San Diego guaranteed more money.

15. Starting the season late and ending the season later is problematic for a number of reasons, but throwing out a ceremonial first frozen turkey isn’t one.

16. Mark Buehrle might not make the Hall of Fame, even though he is more deserving than not. Perhaps, and this is sheer conjecture, the issue is that he worked so fast that the memories of his performances didn’t last long enough to stick.

17. Speaking of the Hall, it appears that the “Steroid Era” will be largely shut out by the voters. No worries for those players, because they have ways of recovering quickly and coming back stronger.

Featured Photo: Chicago White Sox (@whitesox) / Twitter

Mismatched Sox: Things To Do While The CBA Is Dead

A note for those of you reading: Mismatched Sox is a weekly blog hastily thrown together by Sox in the Basement Co-Host Ed Siebert and is written to present you with White Sox and baseball thoughts in a manner that, frankly, thinks it is funny the way that Dad Joke books left in the bathroom pass for entertainment. While there will be facts here that will be factual, the opinions and other nonsense are neither reflective of anyone at SoxInTheBasement.com nor believed or intended to cause any harm, but consult a physician and ask if this blog is right for you.

This movie is 27 years old and is, therefore, an obscure reference, but one that will kill 1 hour and 55 minutes of this
“No White Sox baseball” existence. (C) Miramax.

The owners made an offer, the players responded with all the grace and dignity of a 6-year-old being presented a plate of liver and onions with a side of brussel sprouts. And there was much more that needed to be discussed than what was slid across the table by the owners, so the MLB season is nowhere near getting going. And at this point in the winter, generally, fans are dusting off the last afterglow of the hot stove season and spending the next few weeks waiting for those four special words, “Pitchers and Catchers Report”. Instead, the four words fans are more likely to hear are “The Season is Delayed”. Well, that and “maybe you should shower” or “KBO fantasy baseball league”. At worst, “Go read Mismatched Sox”.

So what can we do as fans? Where can we go for our White Sox fix? There are, of course, a million ways to go with one’s life and there is no way, shape, or form that a random article should ever be considered to have all the answers. Until now.

MLB SIMULATIONS, PART 1

Ever play video games? If the answer is yes, then it turns out there are games that can take actual MLB player likenesses and names, create a virtual version of them out of a complex series of code, and then let you pretend that they are the real things and play full seasons of baseball with them. But you knew that already, and apologies are due for condescension.

The Pros: You can finish Rick Hahn’s job, play the games, see how the season turns out and bask in the virtual glory of a World Series win. Or to paraphrase Hawk, “you can cuss” over the failure. Hey, it worked in 2020 for Sox in the Basement! Call the games yourself and do your best Jason, Len, Hawk, Ed Farmer, or maybe even Harry Carey (the last one requiring more drinking and singing). Or, practice your own unique home run call. Good Night Irene, Skadoosh!!!

The Cons: It isn’t real, so it isn’t exactly the same thing. Also, unless you find a way to broadcast it and invite 40,000 people into your yard every game, there’s no way to share in the emotional rollercoaster that your basement TV is taking you and your couch on each day. Also, face it, you’re going to create the greatest 2B that ever played or somehow build the 2022 White Sox into an All-Star team that is unrealistically unstoppable. As Chicago fans who have played Madden in franchise mode can attest, the Bears have been amazing for the better part of 30 years when the McCaskeys aren’t holding the controller.

MLB SIMULATIONS, PART 2

If you’re a real fan, chances are that you’ve recorded and saved every game for the past three seasons. [EDITOR’S NOTE: Sox on 35th is not questioning your fandom if you didn’t do this, it is a bit much and the author’s elevator doesn’t always go all the way up.] Taking those recordings, you can play out the schedule. Fun fact, you can also try and swap out old commercials for current ones. But Sox Math will be really predictable if you’re into it. Maybe Jason Benetti will do new ones on Twitter. Chances are that you don’t remember every minute of each game, but if you avoid reading your game journals and scorecards it’ll be mostly new! [EDITOR’S NOTE: We’re getting him help.]

The Pros: In all seriousness, there’s no reason that you’d remember every game, and the schedule is such that you’d likely be able to find enough games to cover everything. April and May are all AL teams and the Cubs.

The Cons: You don’t have enough games saved, but if anyone at NBC Sports Chicago is reading this, feel free to steal the idea and run with it. But you can re-read your game journals and scorecards in the meantime. [EDITOR’S NOTE: He doesn’t have those either.]

MLB SIMULATIONS, PART 3

Well…if you want to recreate the feeling of game day, you can always recreate the steps that you take before and after the game. Get the lucky jerseys on, recite the incantations, pour the Malört, get stuck in traffic, eat grilled onions out of a replica of the stadium, head out to Cork and Kerry, refill Jobu’s rum, break out the Captain Stubby and the Buccaneers action figures and act out a video for “Let’s Go, Go-Go White Sox”, smoke a cigarette and juggle three baseballs, whatever you do. And do the post-game routine too, which may involve similar activities or other activities, but maybe different combinations for cigarettes and Captain Stubby.

The Pros: It is all the get-up and go of a game day, but cheaper and less likely to involve a parking attendant telling you to go the wrong way. That can be arranged of course.

The Cons: That whole thing is like wearing a Tuxedo to go grocery shopping. Sure, there’s a bit of novelty once but after that, it becomes an exercise in building yourself up for nothing. So maybe every now and again but not daily.

TWO WORDS: FAN FICTION

Are you a slinger of words? A storyteller par excellence? Do your fingers translate brain impulses to turn thoughts into words? Then writing White Sox novels and short stories might just be the thing for you. And maybe, if you’re good, the rest of White Sox fandom.

The Pros: You can both tell the story of the game and the story behind the game. “The bat felt clumsy in his hands. He hadn’t felt right at the plate in days. Or was it weeks? His head was spinning with anxiety to the point that the ball whizzing by barely registered. “Ball.” the ump called in a loud but nonchalant voice. He scuffed the dirt and stared at the bat handle. For years it had felt like part of him, like all his might and concentration had morphed his arms into this mighty weapon from bygone days of legend and myth. But now, he felt like a guy holding something that he shouldn’t, and that he had been caught in the act. “Strike!” The ump was more emphatic if unenthused. The day had been long already with the rain delay and the oppressive heat. He needed to swing. He needed to turn that heater around and send it…send all of it…the ball, the doubts, the pain…screaming into someone else’s nightmare. “Ball 2.” He felt better as a chuckle crossed his face and popped out of his left nostril at the thought that the third baseman would inherit the nightmare. He watches ball 3 cross the plate high and away. And for a moment the feeling came back. Last Saturday was gone. She was gone. Maybe he hadn’t lost his left hand to those mobsters and wasn’t faking it with a glove full of Play-Doh to keep at least his DH position. The pitcher slid his leg towards the plate and delivered. The bat barely registered the contact except for the sound that has held the generations together in the thread of line drives and broken hearts. The ball screamed towards third and handcuffed the fielder who had a bewildered look on his face. Had it happened? Was it a nightmare that the demons and angels had conspired to send through the bat and into another player? Or had the fake hand gone father than the ball?”

So as you can see, there’s a lot that can take up your time writing it and others to read it. And maybe 27 years from now, it’ll be an obscure movie reference for some hack with a blog.

The Cons: Writing a book is, like, hard and long and stuff.

SAME TWO WORDS WITH A MODIFIER ATTACHED: EROTIC FAN FICTION

Speaking of hard and long and stuff, if you’re gonna write a book, make it hot.

The Pros: You can use fun wordplay like so: “Kid, until you yank it out on them they’re going to treat you like a nobody. You need to show that you can whip that wood through the groove and send a hard one their way; maybe it finishes on their face, maybe it finishes on a spectator and makes them spill their beer on their wiener. But you’ve got to grip that bad boy and show them just how big you are. But be selective; after all that you could be neck-deep in balls for weeks.”

The Cons: Yeah, nobody talks like that.

WHIFFLE BALL!

Gather up 40 of your fellow White Sox lovers, find 1,160 other people who conveniently break up into 40-person units of the fandom of 29 non-White Sox MLB teams, and form a Whiffle Ball League!

The Pros: It is easier to play than regular baseball or 16″ Softball (though, yeah, 16″ is an absolutely acceptable alternative. But take your 12″ somewhere else and stuff it). [EDITOR’S NOTE: The saucy language will stop now, promise.] Generally, there are few injuries, rules can be added easily, fun for all ages, indoors and outdoors. You just need to gather all 1,200 hundred players, determine, say, 25-26 to play each game with some in reserve, perhaps practicing at another location. Maybe there should be some folks in charge of the league, maybe people who want to contribute financially but not play. They can pay for things and recoup by having people pay to watch the games. Those people and the people who will be playing the game can just sit down and agree on rules, schedules, maybe some sharing of the wealth, and maybe the parameters for players changing teams. But getting like 2,000 people into a room isn’t realistic right now and is not likely to get anything done. Maybe both sides can just have a representative or two and can collectively bargai-

The Cons: Well…shoot.

Featured Photo: @RiverAveBlues / Twitter

Mismatched Sox: A Fly on the Wall in Lockout Negotiations

A NOTE FOR THOSE OF YOU READING: Mismatched Sox is a weekly blog hastily thrown together by Sox in the Basement Co-Host Ed Siebert and is written to present you with White Sox and baseball thoughts in a manner that, frankly, thinks it is funny the way that the one guy at your office “should totally try standup”. While there will be facts here that will be factual, the opinions and other nonsense are neither reflective of anyone at SoxInTheBasement.com and not intended nor believed to cause any harm.

Baseball’s CBA Negotiations are Not About To Rock…so We Don’t Salute You
ACDC Cover Art (c) Atlantic Records, Todd Schorr
MLB Logo (c) Major League Baseball

CBA negotiations are all anyone around baseball can talk about these days because Rob Manfred and the Owners decided to become a garage band instead of a sports league and locked out all the players. Also, if there is no other garage band called “Rob Manfred and the Owners,” shame of the youth of America and also on the 40 and 50-somethings trying to recapture former glory.

But with no players, there’s no hot stove. With no hot stove, there’s little baseball news or rabidly off-base conjecture. The season predictions are somewhat stifled by a lack of complete rosters and lack of assurance as to when the season will start. or if the season will start. The way the past two years have gone, having the season merely middle and then skip to the next offseason would be less surprising than Spring Training starting on time.

Where things stand, the sides have not really exchanged proposals. The hope is that owners and players are gathering together to put their respective ideas down before exchanging them with their worthy opponents. While it is highly unlikely that the following scenarios are actually true, as this is not being written by an intelligent fly nor has some Kafka stuff gone on, they are at least possible. Let’s get Bzzzzzzz-y looking in on the Owners and the Players and what COULD be happening.

OWNERS HOUSE, 1:25pm

CHRIS ILLITCH: “Who wants pizza?”

A smattering of hands are raised as the owners know that whatever they ask for, it always ends up being Little Caeser’s.

ILLITCH: “Alright, I’ll get a bunch of “Hot ‘n’ Ready” pies and some crazy bread.”

JERRY REINSDORF: “Can’t we get steak? We’re all really wealthy people here, we can afford…anything…”

ILLITCH: “Hmmm…steak pizza…”

Peter Angelos shrunk back in his chair. He knew he’d be eating, but he only had a couple of bucks on him and didn’t want to get into Venmo or whatever. Artie Moreno stood up.

ANGELOS: “Look, Jerry’s right. We’re rich, we shouldn’t need to always eat pizza. And besides, Bill DeWitt owns a bunch of Arby’s, so can we at least get some curly fries? Fowler, can you get some beer here?”

Ron Fowler nodded and texted someone.

JERRY: “Forget the food. I have a winning NBA Franchise to worry about. Can we put something together to give the players and get moving? They’ll reject it regardless. Just throw anything at them.”

ILLITCH: “Ok, what about raising the league minimum to $850,000 for years 1-2, and then $1 million for years 2-5 and then $1.5 million through the end of team control, but we keep them until they’re 32 and a half years old and they can have all the ‘Italian Cheesy Bread’ that they can handle (mumbling) and that you buy from me for them?”

DEWITT: “I like that, but make it “Beef ‘n’ Cheddars. They’re 2 for $6 right now.”

BOB NUTTING: “Can we pay them strictly in fast food?”

EVERYONE ELSE: “No.”

JOHN SHERMAN: “Bob, we’ve been over this. You have to pay players. In US Currency. Sorry your family wealth is in newspapers, but most of us have investment ideas that can help you.”

ILLITCH: “Bob, I ha-“

SHERMAN: “Not now pizza boy. Money people are talking.”

STEVE COHEN: “Let’s just give them what they want. I want to win so you guys will think I’m awesome.”

JERRY: “Not how it works newbie. Look at Sternberg, think we like him?”

STUART STERNBERG: “Hey! Not cool.”

JERRY: “I just said that.”

TOM RICKETTS: “Burrrnn.”

JERRY: “No, really fellas…I want the players to come groveling to us as much as the next guy (looks over at a sleeping Ken Kendrick). Uhhh…anyway, I want to be ready for them.”

EDWARD ROGERS III: “Well in Canada we -“

EVERYONE ELSE: “No.”

JERRY: “Look, we need a way for us to make more money while making the players feel like they won something and keeping the fans happy.”

ROB MANFRED: “THE FANS??? HAPPY??? YOU WANT THAT BUNCH OF CATTLE HAPPY? Who. Cares. About. Them. They’ll show up. after all, we’re America’s pastime. What else do those sheeples have to do?”

JOHN MALONE: “Ummm…football?”

JOHN FISHER: “NBA? College Hoops?”

HAL STEINBRENNER: “Pro wrestling! You guys watch AEW at all?”

The room started mumbling and nodding in approval and admiration. Hal Steinbrenner was heard saying he paid for a private Fozzy concert just to meet Chris Jericho, much to Jim Pohlad’s approval.

MANFRED: “You guys are sooo out of touch. The fans aren’t important. What do they bring to the table that’s so important?”

EVERYONE ELSE: “Money.”

MANFRED: (sheepishly) “Oh. Right. (sighs) Fine. Screw it. What do we want to give the players?”

The room started mumbling and shrugging until the word ‘money’ became the clear concept and then the shrugs turned to nods and yesses, yeps and yeahs cascaded across the conversations. The door opened and pizza and beer arrived, with Bob Nutting claiming his wallet was still in the car and Peter Angelos grabbing a pizza and slipping out a secret entrance he had built.

MEANWHILE, AT THE PLAYERS’ HOUSE, 1:25 pm

MAX SCHERZER: “Maybe we oughta ask for more bathrooms. Seriously there are hundreds of us in here and only one can. And Stanton’s been in there for an hour.”

JASON CASTRO: “Well, maybe we add that to the list. Which, so far, is…more money, uhhh…just money sooner.”

GERRIT COLE: “Soo…more money, sooner…and more…bathrooms…in a fictional house that the entire MLBPA lives in?”

ANDREW MILLER: “And maybe some beef and cheddars. DeWitt used to hand those out like candy.”

SCHERZER: “Or all the Italian Cheesy Bread we can handle from Little Caeser’s. Best part of being a Tiger, really. I bet that’s why Miggy stayed.”

Miguel Cabrera poked his head around the corner and smiled, using a piece of crazy bread as a thumb for a thumb’s up.

FRANCISCO LINDOR: “Focus before I lose my smile. Again.”

Cabrera poked his head around the corner again, this time with pepperoni over his eyes and a crazy bread over his teeth as he smiled. Lindor smiled back and shook his head.

MARCUS SEMIEN: “Look, I just got wildly overpaid and I want that for everyone, but mostly me. It is super simple. Raise the league minimum scaled on years in the league, add a poverty tax threshold to create an artificial team salary floor, free agency granted 4 seasons from the date you are first added to the 40-man roster and we agree to whatever pace of play changes they want while adding the Universal DH because Mad Max needs to fan himself with hundred dollar bills between innings, and not try and run the bases.”

Scherzer lifted a finger as if to say something, then stopped. Players all nodded a bit.

TREVOR BAUER: “Hey can I -“

EVERYONE ELSE: “No.”

JAMES PAXTON: “Ok, Marcus does the talking, but basically give us more money, earlier in our careers, stop leaving viable veteran players on the street to purposefully tank with guys that can’t hack it at the big league level and…pizza or Beef ‘n’ Cheddars?”

Zack Britton stood up and placed a hand on Paxton’s arm. “Both, my friend…both.” And immediately Britton and Paxton seized up in pain.

SCHERZER: “Oooohhh kay. Everybody good on all that?”

Miguel Cabrera jumped around the corner, now wearing pizza as some sort of armor with a pizza box shield and a crazy bread sword.

EVERYONE ELSE: “Miggy.” Laughter followed as Yoan Moncada started a concert. Dancing and laughter pervaded the house as Lance Lynn and Lucas Giolito started a food fight, which Dallas Keuchel tried to join in but couldn’t get anything near anyone. Britton and Paxton recovered from their new injuries and looked at each other. “Should we go get Clark and try and get the season started on time?” Britton asked. “Nah.” Replied Paxton. “Let these guys have some more fun for a bit. After all, I’m not ready to start the season.”

Just then a triumphant-looking Giancarlo Stanton emerged from the bathroom.

STANTON: “NOBODY GO IN THERE! Well, Altuve, you can go get the garbage can. I KNOW you need it.”

Mismatched Sox: White Sox Cases – Best, Worst, and Worstest

“What’s the worst that can happen?” That is number 12 on the list of questions that should never, ever be uttered out loud because of what the answer might be. But it is a natural question because, at a bare minimum, human beings like to know where the floor is before they jump out of bed. Sometimes the floor is closer than expected; sometimes the floor is downright fluffy; often the floor is cold and hard and occasionally the floor is lava. Please seek the counsel of your nearest preschooler for instructions on how to handle that last situation.

For the impending 2022 White Sox, the sky’s the limit, or at least the World Series is the limit. Doubtful that the White Sox conquer space like some bat-wielding Enterprise crew (NCC-1701-D, to be precise). There are lofty baseball expectations on the South Side and being the eternal pessimists that all Chicago sports franchises raise, Sox fans are less worked up about winning the World Series and more worked up about falling out of the upper echelons of a bunk bed and onto a gift from the dog and a spilled crate of thumbtacks. Frankly, Sox fans might do better from a mental health standpoint to focus on defeating the Borg. But let’s examine the worst-case scenario, and being a Chicago sports fan, the worstest case. Actually, being a Chicago fan there’s also reason to review the best case, and delightfully it is knockwurst.

Are we going to be…ahem…Mad…at the Sox if things go bad? (C) 1983 Mad Magazine (R.I.P.) (Rest In Potrzebie)

The Lockout

BEST CASE: The lockout ends in late January/early February and there’s ample time for Rick Hahn to do the GM thing and finish off the roster. The CBA doesn’t radically change free agency or create chaos on the trade market right away. The team and their competition get into camp with minimal delay and the season gets underway more or less on time. Given the talent, the team competes as expected and has a chance to go all the way.

WORST CASE: The lockout drags on, delaying the season significantly and the new CBA makes it hard for Rick Hahn to finish the roster. In a shortened season, the Sox have less room for error and basically lose a year of competing for a championship if they don’t start hot or suffer any injuries. That’s one less year of having some key players, diminished revenue and much gnashing of teeth in the next offseason.

WORSTEST CASE: 1994 and yet another “what if” season. And yet another season of insufferable Yankees fans saying they’d have won it all and denying that the White Sox even existed that year.

Second Base

BEST CASE: Jeff McNeil, Jean Segura, Ketel Marte, Brandon Lowe…someone good ends up coming to the Sox in a reasonable trade. Or, Jed Lowrie or Josh Harrison signs cheap and has that one last run in them. Regardless, it is an established MLB second baseman who handles the field and the bat with competence and occasional heroics.

WORST CASE: You don’t call a guy “Leury Legend” in the press conference announcing you’ve re-signed him and not have a spot for him. For that matter, you don’t sign a utility guy to a multi-year deal unless you intend to play him often. And unless Rick Hahn is reading this, you, dear reader, didn’t do any of this but you get to enter 2022 with Leury playing just about everyday at the keystone.

WORSTEST CASE: A seemingly non-stop carousel of has-been’s and never will be’s or ill-fitting triangular pegs in dodecahedral holes. So, 2021. Or an active tire fire in between Jose Abreu and Tim Anderson.

Right Field

BEST CASE: Michael Conforto? If that’s your bag? Nick Castellanos? Kyle Schwarber? Insert MLB Slugger who can’t catch a cold in the outfield here? Basically, Rick Hahn spends the money that will be spent to bring in a possible stud bat who can man right field, forming a trio that is actual death incarnate to pitchers, and also Adam Engel is there if he’s healthy.

WORST CASE: Adam Engel is there if he’s healthy. Andrew Vaughn or Gavin Sheets takes another step forward. Or there’s guys off the street that have their moments. Basically, 2021.

WORSTEST CASE: You don’t call a guy “Leury Legend” in the…just teasing. That would be bad, but the actual worst-case scenario for right field is a sinkhole straight to the 6th level of Hell which is reserved for Heretics, who are mostly insufferable Yankees fans.

The Rotation

BEST CASE: Michael Kopech ascends to a new level of badassery whilst Lance Lynn regains his innings eating ways and Lucas Giolito and Dylan Cease torment hitters like they were toilets the morning after a festival of Carolina Reaper wings and old beer. And Dallas Keuchel regains some semblance of his former self or Reynaldo Lopez and his corrected vision continues to pull a minor “Wild Thing Vaughn” turnaround. Either way, Tigers blood (Detroit Tigers) and #winning.

WORST CASE: Kopech is the new Rodon, in that he rocks it out early then fades like a cheap flag on a dashboard. Keuchel can’t reinvent himself, or find himself, or more succinctly throw pitches with any sustained success. ReyLo and the minors do better as a garage band than as starting pitchers. Meanwhile, Cease, Giolito and Lynn are the same as they ever were. So, not as good as 2021 but maybe good enough for another ALDS debacle.

WORSTEST CASE: Besot by injuries, Yermin Mercedes is your best starting pitcher. It. Could. Work!

The Craig Kimbrel Situation

BEST CASE: The Mets decide that a Kimbrel for McNeil swap makes sense, or the Padres decide that they need him and are willing to part with 2B/SS top prospect CJ Abrams because the Sox took all of Eric Hosmer back too (which honestly, Hosmer as the DH/Abreu insurance if you can get Abrams wouldn’t suck at all). Or, say, the Rangers send back Isaiah Kiner-Falafa because they are trying to buy the appearance that they won’t finish 4th in the AL West. Basically, Kimbrel gets traded for someone that fills the rotation, RF, 2B, RP, or any other hole that can be described in two characters. Besides Laurel and Hardy.

WORST CASE: Rick Hahn can only move him for some help that could arrive in 2024. And isn’t a Fernando Tatis Jr.-esque surprise superstar, but more of a “maybe Blake Rutherford is somehow useful this year” kind of a way.

WORSTEST CASE: A guy that was on his way to being a legit Hall of Fame Guy continues to remind people of Matt Foster with a weirder delivery. And Nick Madrigal leads the MLB in hits.

The Regular Season

BEST CASE: To paraphrase quote the White Sox closer: ‘162 practice games before the real ones start’. With whatever flaws, foibles, and foolish decisions that could hold the team down, they take care of business and win the AL Central, making franchise history again by earning back-to-back-to-back playoff appearances. Or at least a Wild Card shot. Basically, a foot in the door that is probably Adam Engel’s and probably already hurt, making it the best choice for jamming into things.

WORST CASE: The team is in the hunt all year, but falls short. Maybe because another team catches fire at an unnatural pace the way baseball teams do every now and again. Maybe because injuries deny the White Sox the full use of their considerable talent. Maybe they defecate on their sleeping platform because we can’t have nice things. Basically, they play the season and don’t win enough games, but as fans, there’s some excitement and good times along the way.

WORSTEST CASE: 2020 but everything is Edwin Encarnacion and Nomar Mazara.

The Playoffs

BEST CASE: The Sox handle their business so efficiently and quickly that ESPN forgets that there will be an AL representative in the World Series. Fans get to party like it is 2005, at least from the standpoint of winning the whole enchilada. At this point guessing on what will constitute an actual party at the end of 2022 feels like an invitation to depression.

WORST CASE: Sox fans not only hate the Astros, but the city of Houston, Minute Maid, Crawfords, boxes, oil, cows, NASA, and for good measure the Minnesota Twins. One and done, or even losing the ALCS will hurt but at least there’s playoff baseball.

WORSTEST CASE: Forfeiting the Wild Card game because of bad mayonnaise. Just… no.

Health

BEST CASE: Eloy avoids walls. The pitchers avoid any arm or knee issues. Luis Robert can run without random blowouts. Hamstrings remain strung and Tommy John is only referred to in his capacity as a former White Sox. Adam Engel avoids pulling, tearing, straining, or anything that can happen to a muscle and a box of pasta interchangeably.

WORST CASE: 2021.

WORSTEST CASE: 2021 but no one comes back and Rick Hahn trades them all for aging closers with a club option.

Guaranteed Rate Field Experience

BEST CASE: All is well. The gates and parking are well-run in keeping with the situation, the stands are as full as are allowed in keeping with the situation, the beverages are cold and the food is hot. Except reverse that for coffee and ice cream.

WORST CASE: The fans are allowed in but due to staffing issues, supply chain issues, laws, diseases, etc. and so forth ipso facto ad nauseam, it is kind of a pain in the keister and almost not worth going on some days. Of course, magically it is much better when the playoffs roll around or there’s a premium matchup. But sometimes, it is just a root canal with better entertainment and weaker anesthesia.

WORSTEST CASE: 2020, or the movie Soylent Green (takes place in 2022!) becoming a real thing and the ballparks being a funnel for ingredients. “Sorry folks, your cousin could be anywhere, didja try and text him?” Or…”Matt Foster shelled again today, he’s struggled lately and -oh that’s a shame, Tony put a green tag on his jersey. Well, you can meet Matt Foster at the walking taco stand in sections 512 and 143.” On second thought, if this happens should we be worried about Jake Lamb, Jake Burger, and other Jakes with food surnames NOT being on the team?

Overall, the floor isn’t all that far from the bed and isn’t covered in anything gross. The Sox should compete, the MLB and the MLBPA should be motivated to have a fairly normal season wherein the Sox will compete, barring catastrophe the team will field 9 players and a DH each game, with a bullpen that might have an expensive extra closer and a rotation that might be a little weak at the back end. And there might be a lot of Leury. And we might be eating people in a dystopia. Other than that, What, Me Worry?!!

Featured Photo: White Sox/Twitter

Mismatched Sox: 2022 In Review (Before It Happens)

*For the uninitiated, this is a time machine called a Tardis, because gas was too pricey for a DeLorean. Photo (c) BBC*

It is the end of the year, and as is tradition in covering anything, there’s the need to remind everyone what happened month-by-month as though the world has some form of amnesia. Everyone knows, of course, that while some drink to remember, most drink to forget. Drinking = writing on the internet. Also “Hotel California” is a terrible song and apologies for referencing it.

But everyone was there for 2021, and if you’ve forgotten anything about it, it wasn’t worth remembering. The service provided to you today, courtesy of a questionable mushroom risotto, is a recap of everything that happened next year to the White Sox. No spoilers about anything outside of the White Sox, of course, but suffice to say that by the end of the year you’ll be used to the new mandates and won’t be embarrassed by the smells.

January

A quiet month with the lockout still going for the duration, Rick Hahn continually signs minor league free agents first to build depth, then out of boredom. In a fit of extreme boredom, Hahn signs 14 free agents for other teams as well. In a fit of boredom to the point of minor insanity, Hahn signs Kenny Williams three foster dogs. Williams laments that a fourth dog, who was related to one of the acquired dogs and the best friend of another, didn’t join his family as “we had the best offer”.

Ethan Katz spends his time pouring over the mechanics of the staff and then remembers that he was just there to get an oil change and tire rotation. The mechanics are a little irritated by the constant harassment from a customer, however, one of the mechanics can suddenly change tires faster than ever and expects a big contract from an East Coast shop.

The players, locked out, begin training with Rick Renteria, who changes the routine and who is allowed on certain equipment in ways that don’t make much sense. Danny Mendick’s legs become so large as a result that he can no longer walk or run but can hop over a box truck.

February

The lockout shows signs of thawing as the players agree that the owners can pay them to play baseball. The owners balk at this condition but grudgingly agree in order to preserve their rights to charge the players per toilet paper square. The Padres contingent shrugs this off and agrees to go back to brown pants.

Meanwhile, the players have ditched training with Renteria and moved on to Lance Lynn’s training regimen, which consists of creative swearing screamed on the hour and eating meat. Danny Mendick is arrested for public indecency when he combines Lynn’s famous catchphrase with trying to manage a slippery footlong kielbasa while training in a public park. He kicks his way out of jail and misunderstands the phrase “going on the lam” as “going on the Lamb” to the chagrin of his former teammate Jake.

Frank Menechino alters his approach and mindset about swinging…during a weird Valentine’s day.

March

With Spring Training delayed, the lockout gets close to ending when the players agree to a universal form of currency to be paid with. The owners push hard for that currency to be gift cards from Costco, but with AMC Theaters and Cheesecake Factory locations shutting down due to the Tau variant, it is agreed that the currency will be gold bars. There is an immediate concern that the White Sox will thereafter drip with too much swag to play in an actual game.

Side note: the pandemic variants continue but everyone misses the version known as Omicron Prime, where a symptom was being the temporary leader of the Autobots and being able to transform into a truck that Danny Mendick can jump over.

The players have moved on to training Liam Hendriks-style, which consists of throwing baseballs through concrete, carrying thousands of meals to those in need, and playing with animals at the shelter. In a mixup, Danny Mendick is fed a thousand meals and adopted by Kenny Williams from a shelter.

Meanwhile, Rick Hahn trades for James Shields’ Cleric in Dungeons and Dragons, but Shields wins the campaign thanks to the unknown young Paladin Hahn gave him.

April

The lockdown ends after both sides realize that they had agreed on everything in December but couldn’t understand each other from 6 feet away and through a mask. When asked about the Zoom calls it is revealed that Rob Manfred had muted everyone and forced them to listen to his 7-novel series about a sports commissioner named Fred Manrob that solves crimes in space. Mets owner Steve Cohen licenses the rights and celebrates by extending Max Scherzer for three more years and a cut of the merchandising.

Speaking of contracts, the free-agent frenzy resumes with the Sox almost signing Michael Conforto, Josh Harrison, Carlos Rodon, and Carlos Correa. Instead, the Sox sign Kenley Jansen and immediately Bob Nightengale reports that they are going to try and flip him for a second baseman.

The Sox do manage to trade Danny Mendick to the WWE for an autographed picture of Charlotte Flair and two upper-level seats to a Smackdown taping in 2025. The Sox also announce that Mendick, immediately released by the WWE after winning the RAW Championship, was signed to a two-year deal and will compete for the starting 2B job during spring training.

As Spring Training gets underway, the players report having all turned to the Yoan Moncada training regimen, wherein they recorded albums and looked damn cool for no less than 3 hours per day but may not have actually practiced the game. Danny Mendick’s album goes platinum and the Sox make an actual trade sending Dallas Keuchel, Craig Kimbrel, and Jake Burger to the Mets for Jeff McNeil and SP Tylor Megill and agree to pick up most of Keuchel, Kimbrel, and, oddly, James McCann’s salaries. Steve Cohen celebrates by signing Jerry Reinsdorf for 3 years and $365 Million.

Injuries strike again to poor Adam Engel, who was establishing himself as the starting RF until his right foot fell completely off. He’s placed on the 10-day IL. Eloy Jimenez is given a shock collar and zapped every time he approaches the wall. Leury Garcia is named the Sox DH, having shown up looking suspiciously like Edwin Encarnacion.

The Sox finish Spring Training and start the now truncated regular season to much fanfare and an empty home stadium as Cook County now requires a vaccine card, a library card, a skin sample, a negative test for at least 5 diseases, ten days of dialysis, a fresh flan, and a rare orchid that only blooms once every twelve years and is found in a haunted cave on a lost island in the Atlantic Ocean in order to enter anything other than a garden shed.

May

The Sox get off to a hot start as Andrew Vaughn, now the Sox starting 2B while Jeff McNeil plays RF, hits over .400 to start the season. In the minors, Yermin Mercedes is also hitting over .400 and in spite of calling three no-hitters and throwing out 67% of runners against him, is left in Charlotte because Zack Collins is hitting .287 against righties and hasn’t thrown out a runner.

In addition to Vaughn’s hot start, the lineup benefits from having Eloy to start the season combining his power with Luis Robert’s all-around game and Yasmani Grandal having an OPS of .948 in spite of hitting .075 to start the season. Robert actually hits a ball hard enough to end the pandemic, prompting the City of Chicago and Cook County to allow people to wave at neighbors from their own living room without showing a vaccine card.

On the mound, Dylan Cease takes the next step, showing Cy Young-level stuff and throwing into the 6th inning each start. Lance Lynn and Lucas Giolito are as advertised, while Michael Kopech makes a smooth transition to starting by being allowed to throw up to 70 pitches in a single game. Surprising 5th starter Reynaldo Lopez wins his first four starts by scattering a few solo home runs across 5-6 innings each outing.

In the bullpen, Liam Hendriks screams so loud after his first save of the season that George Halas awakens from the afterlife and fires Matt Nagy and Ryan Pace.

June

The Sox are in first place in spite of pressure from the Detroit Tigers and a resurgent Twins team. The Sox lose 2 of 3 to the Royals in KC, allowing the Tigers to close the gap to 1.5 games. Meanwhile, the Guardians have lost all games by forfeit after being glued to a bridge.

Tony LaRussa is given praise for putting out a consistent lineup that seems to maximize the players’ strengths while keeping Yermin Mercedes in Charlotte. Among the moves that TLR is praised for is the decision to bat Luis Robert twice, once while dressed as Leury Garcia.

The injury bug strikes again as Ryan Burr pulls a hamstring that somehow only Adam Engel can feel. Lucas Giolito and Lance Lynn each miss a couple of starts, but Leury Garcia and Andrew Vaughn fill in nicely.

As All-Star voting starts up, Tim Anderson is leading the league in hitting but 5th in SS voting because part of the CBA states that salary determines All-Star votes. For that reason, Max Scherzer is named “all-time pitcher” for the game.

July

The Sox hit the All-Star break in first place, after opening the lead over the Tigers to 3.5 games following a trip to Cleveland where Danny Mendick was being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. The Sox send Cease, Hendriks, Robert, and Grandal to the game to play and Reynaldo Lopez to throw to Eloy in the home run derby.

At the trade deadline, Rick Hahn’s keyboards are all modified to prevent him from trading for another closer. Reminiscent of 2005, Hahn trades for Geoff Blum, but in this instance, he trades Darrin Jackson in a swap of radio color analysts. Overall, with the team riding high the only deal made is for a small bullpen piece and extra outfield help with Adam Engel technically limbless.

By the end of the month, things are going just swell…but in August they’ll swelter…

August

The dog days bite and bite hard. The team suffers several losing streaks and the pitching staff seems tired. Dylan Cease gets routed on the road and Lucas Giolito loses three straight. Hendriks blows back to back saves, with one rescued by an Eloy walk off. The Tigers catch the Sox and tie for first place entering the last week of the month.

Tony LaRussa comes under fire for the swoon. Sox Twitter goes nuts as Dallas Keuchel wins his fifth straight and Nick Madrigal comes close to DiMaggio’s record. The team is blasted by the media for not committing more draft and free agent capital to help Justin Fields and for not getting any real return from trading Robert Quinn. Ooops, that’s the Bears, but apparently once training camp starts some places forget there’s a Southside of the city.

Things hit a low point after a four-game sweep by Houston, a team buoyed by signing recently reinstated and released Trevor Bauer and then hitting him with a garbage can every time someone throws a fastball. That catharsis combined with Ethan Katz not letting anyone throw a change-up leads the Astros to the sweep.

Following a couple of brutal losses to the Orioles, the Sox limps home for Labor Day weekend. After a team meeting and a surprise concert from Danny Mendick, the team remembers that they’re actually really great at baseball and steamrolls the Diamondbacks, Royals, and Twins, taking 8 of 9 and opening a lead on the Tigers who get smacked around by the Mariners and a miffed Royals squad.

September

With the Tigers reeling, they lose 5 of their remaining 6 with the White Sox during September, and the Sox clinch the division on September 24, 2022, with a 6-3 victory over the Tigers. It is their third consecutive trip to the postseason, and the first time clinching at home in seemingly forever. After striking out Robbie Grossman, Liam Hendriks pumps his fist hard enough that the International Space Station develops a hole. Eloy Jimenez is allowed to celebrate in a giant bubble.

The Sox take advantage of a weak September schedule to finish on a high note and spend most of the closing series against San Diego watching the AL West Race, where the Mariners have a chance to knock the Astros from the playoffs. The Sox assume that their road is easier against the Rays and wildcard winners Boston and Toronto; the Astros being out and the Mariners in feels better.

Danny Mendick gives a concert in celebration that ends abruptly with him getting hit on the head by a ball Robert hit in early July. At the moment of impact Mendick’s guitar is flung at Adam Engel, who dives out of the way and on landing regains perfect health in a freak chiropractic event.

October

The Sox, armed with the second-best record in the AL, draw the Mariners in the ALDS while the Blue Jays get the Rays after taking the Wild Card game. The Jays blast through Tampa in 3 games; the Sox play with their food a bit and take the Mariners in 4, only losing a Michael Kopech start after Kopech is only allowed to go 3 innings. This sets up a rather epic ALCS:

Game 1: Sox 5, Jays 3 – Three homers by Luis Robert sink the Blue Jays. Robert, who is widely considered by the national media to be behind Vad Jr. in the MVP race, pretty much tells Vladdy about it every time he reaches base. For his part, Vlad’s 3-run jack against Garrett Crochet in the 7th is a nice answer, but Graveman and Hendriks slam the door in the 8th and 9th and Vlad doesn’t hit again until Game 2.

Game 2: Blue Jays 4, Sox 0 – Reynaldo Lopez gets the Game 2 ball and Vlad Jr. immediately deposits that ball in the left-field seats. Vladdy hits for the cycle while Jose Berrios and two relievers hold the Sox to 6 hits, four of which are Luis Robert singles. The Sox lose 4-0, and Tony takes heat for starting Leury Garcia in RF even though he doubles twice but misplays Vlad’s triple badly enough that Vlad Guerrero Jr. can get to third base while stopping to autograph each base for a Liam Hendriks charity event.

Game 3: Sox 11, Jays 2 – Dylan Cease vs. Hyun-Jin Ryu, and Robert stays hot by going 5 for 6 with 3 doubles. Andrew Vaughn, Tim Anderson, and Jose Abreu all homer for the Sox, who blow out the Jays 11-2. Because this happens during a Bears game, Justin Fields is credited with 6 of the Sox runs and oddly, Leury Garcia has 45 yards and a touchdown.

Game 4: Jays 2, Sox 1 – Lance Lynn gets a chance to put the Sox in control of the series and goes 8 strong, giving up 2 runs on a Bo Bichette bomb. Kevin Gausman matches him with Yas going solo in the 9th, and the close Blue Jays win is described as a heart breaker by Tony, but the description given by Lance Lynn earns him a lifetime achievement award in swearing from the Kennedy Center.

Game 5: Sox 5, Jays 4 – Lucas Giolito battles through 6, the bullpen of Aaron Bummer, Kendall Graveman and Liam Hendriks back him up nicely. This is considered the Moncada game, as he drives in all 5 Sox runs with Robert scoring three of them. Danny Mendick sings the National Anthem and it is immediately clear that he’s been Milli Vanilli’ing the whole musical career thing. It is revealed that Yermin Mercedes was really the guy, but because Tony thought Yermin was breaking unwritten rules of music theory, he replaced him with Mendick.

Game 6: Jays 5, Sox 4 – Michael Kopech starts and goes 5 innings untouched, but the 6th inning he gets touched pretty hard for 4 runs. The Sox can’t get a run across and the Jays get lucky bounces off Aaron Bummer and score in the 8th. Fox play-by-play announcers Adam Amin, AJ Pierzynski, and Adam Wainwright make the joke that the whole inning is a Bummer, and are immediately whacked with a golf club three stooges style by a visiting Hawk Harrelson. Hawk blames Joe West.

Game 7: With it all on the line, Lynn starts and Cease is ready to come in if needed…the teams go back and forth, trading leads and getting big outs. The game goes 15 innings and with the Sox as the home team, there’s reason for hope. Bad weather makes home runs a near impossibility but Eloy, Robert, and Grandal all come within inches of ending it. With Kendall Graveman on inning 3, Vlad Jr. tattoos a one-out pitch that Eloy jumps up and partially robs, keeping it in the park but not making the catch. Vlad stays at second, but Eloy leaves the game. Rattled, Graveman skips a sinker past Grandal before striking out Bichette. Tony brings in Lopez, who with Giolito are the last guys available. Lopez gives up a cheap pop-up single that scores Guerrero. And then a bomb to Randal Grichuk. Down 2, the Sox get Anderson and Grandal on when Robert sends a screaming single that holds Yas at third. Eloy would have hit next, but instead his replacement Leury Garcia grounds into a season-ending double play. Danny Mendick and Yermin Mercedes, now recording as the unfortunately named duo MenCedes, write a touching ballad to commemorate the season.

November

What? They didn’t win the ALCS. It happens. The Jays win it all over the Phillies in remarkably the same way they did in 1993, and the Sox start the off-season with Rick Hahn promising to make improvements while extending Jose Abreu and Tim Anderson. The Sox strike early, signing SP Aaron Nola and OF Andrew Benintendi, but settle into mostly minor deals after that. The Sox are mentioned in the sweepstakes for a resurgent Noah Syndergaard, and loose chatter about Ketel Marte, but most fans just remain angry at Rick Hahn for trading Fernando Tatis Jr. and Nick Madrigal.

December

With the end of the year rapidly approaching, the Sox remain poised to compete the next season. With full access to the team all off-season, the Sox train hard and head into 2023 ready for a fourth straight trip to the postseason.

Heading into the holidays, the big surprise is Tony LaRussa announcing that he is retiring after the 2023 season, citing his desire to tour with MenCedes and being unable to keep up with Frank Menechino’s lifestyle. Miguel Cairo is notably absent for a bit before re-emerging looking oddly like Rick Renteria.

And so it begins again…

Featured Photo: Getty Images/iStockphoto

Mismatched Sox: A Poem For The Holidays, 2021 Edition

Or, an Alternative Title: A Question for St. Rick

With apologies to and a probable lawsuit from the estate of Clement Clarke Moore; though they didn’t sue last year…

‘Twas a few nights before Christmas, at 35^th and Shields

Rick Hahn was there idle, for no deals could he yield;

At the start of the offseason, the fans were sure of the moves,

With signings and trades to up the Sox’ groove;

The lockout stopped baseball, leaving Rick vexed,

Only minor league contracts on his emails and texts;

With mamma in her bathroom, and I on my phone,

We just settled our brains that this winter’s unknown;

Laying eyes upon Twitter where arose so much chatter,

I logged on from my bed to see if any would matter.

In waves to my screen the thoughts flew like a flash,

With proposals for trades and spending some cash.

Trade Kimbrel for Segura! The Phils need a closer!

Sign Michael Conforto, that Sheets is a poser!

When what to my wandering eyes did appear,

Even more talk of what the Sox will bring here.

To the rotation Ray’s arm, so lively and quick?

And who will replace that infielder Nick?

More rapid than eagles the suggestions they came,

Of signings and trades both feasible and lame:

“Now, Semien! trade, Kuechel! now sign Trevor Story!

For second get Ketel! Just not Cesar or Leury!

Shove Yoan to Second, He won’t suck at all!

Hey, spend away! spend away! or trade for them all!”

But then moves like a wild hurricane did fly,

But there were the White Sox, just standing by;

Semien signed quickly, as the transactions flew,

For top middle infielders, and starting pitchers too—

And then, in a twinkling, the CBA expired,

Sox fandom was mad, as of cheapness they tired.

But I drew in my head, and was kicking around,

‘Twas Rick Hahn just acting all fiscally sound?

The Sox still have some weakness but shored up the ‘pen,

And they still have some options…whither cash left to spend;

A couple guys that they have can start out in right,

Andrew Vaughn will get better, as Engel just might.

Their rotation—it still twinkled! Hey, Keuchel could rebound!

Is our fifth starter Kopech? Will his strikeouts abound?

Eh…in reality, the lineup could stand a new stud,

And hey, Dallas Keuchel could still be a dud;

So we again stump our GM to make a bold try,

For some smoke, some fire on a free agent guy;

To make a big trade (like last year’s round fellow)

And fill up the roster, like a bowl full of Jell-O.

Hahn can be smart and canny, a right decent GM,

But can he win with his bosses, or in spite of them?

A wink of his eye and a new CBA,

Could give me to know the Sox will make hay;

Hahn’s spoke not a word, after saying “we’ll be better”,

To fill the “White Stockings” he needs to throw cheddar;

And trade off some guys from the ’21 Palehose,

To get second basemen, right fielders, and all those;

So Rick, phone the agents and to GMs give a whistle,

And figure it out so the fandom won’t bristle.

Can we hear you exclaim, ere the season’s in sight—

“Here’s Conforto and Segura et. al., and to all a good night?”

Five Quick Takes from Sox in the Basement’s Interview with Liam Hendriks:

1. The guy has me convinced that Andrew Vaughn wants the right-field job based on Liam’s praise for Vaughn’s work ethic to become a starting outfielder last year. Maybe he has his sights set on 2B??

2. Ryan Burr was not the name anticipated to be dropped for “who are you excited about for next year” type questions, but Burr was kinda sneaky decent last year and has improved each year he’s been up.

3. Liam’s assertion that Aaron Bummer had the worst luck with cheap grounders last year could pessimistically be a sign that the team wasn’t set up right for when he pitches.

4. His description of Cubs fans might be the most insulting thing ever said about the Wrigley faithful, yet somehow not the meanest.

5. After hearing Liam Hendriks talk about charity…there’s a reasonable chance that Santa Claus is closer to the South Pole and is moonlighting as a two-time AL Reliever of the Year. Follow his advice, be generous, and…scream and fist pump after you donate?

Follow @SoxInTheBasemnt for more White Sox updates!

Featured Photo: This chunk o’ festive book cover was drawn by Gaia Bordicchia and published by Usborne Books

Mismatched Sox: 88 Lines About 44 Second Basemen

With apologies to The Nails, for re-imagining their 1984 hit 88 Lines About 44 Women from their album “Topic”:

Ozzie Albies can’t be touched
He’s too important to the Braves
Yolbert Sanchez will play in Charlotte
After AZ fall league raves
Ketel Marte’s a desert stud
He’ll cost too much to acquire
Ketel’s teammate, one Josh Rojas
Doesn’t do much to inspire